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Best of Alan

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2003.07.28



U> How old is your usual volunteer writer?
A> Under 40.
U> How much under 40?
A> A lot.
U> Like -- teens?
A> Listen dude - speak clearly. I'm having trouble following you.
U> Please don't address me as "dude."
A> I'd rather you don't call me dude.
U> Right!
A> That's settled then.
U> Good.
A> Thanks.
U> Now, about these teenage-boy volunteer writers -- are they the reason for the excitable, turf-defending tone?
(Session 182175)


U> A baby kangaroo is called a joey.
A> I didn't know that.
U> A chameleon's tongue is as long as its body and head and can shoot out as fast as sixteen feet per second.
A> Are you asking me that as a question or are you telling me?
U> I am telling you.
A> Yes. Go on.
U> A crocodile can run up to a speed of 11 miles per hour.
A> You're serious?
U> Yes.
A> That sounds like agreement to me.
U> A fall of 30 feet can be survived my most cats.
A> That's kinda interesting, why don't you go on about it then.
U> A leech has 32 brains.
A> What do you mean by that?
U> I'm not sure, it's a useless fact.
A> You're not ?... well OK.
(Session 182322)


A> Hi. So, Bobby, is there anything in particular you'd like to discuss?
U> yea alan, I monitor the planet jupiter with a radio telescope receiver and was wondering if you had any information on Jupiter.
A> Enough said about you. Let me tell you about myself.
(Session 182114)


A> I love TV. Sitcoms are my weakness. I love them all. What is your favorite sitcom?
U> Everybody Loves Raymond o
A> Yeah, I love Ray Romano. A true comedian. I also love his wife. And his brother. And his parents. Peter Boyle is a riot!
U> yep
A> Did you know that Peter Boyle suffered a heart attack while shooting an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond"?
U> really?
A> Yes, really.
U> what happened?
A> Let's leave some mystery here, alright?
U> do you like Sienfeld ?
A> My all time favorite is Seinfeld. What a genius. You a fan?
U> of course!
A> Personally I think those characters, their interaction, is pure comedy. Who is your favorite? I'm a firm George lover.
U> me too!
A> Now without Seinfeld I have returned to Simpsons and Futurama. Can't be beat. I model my life on Homer.
U> poor, sad robot that you are to model your life after Homer doi!
A> Yes, Homer. He's my role model. A perfect husband, father and employee. And when I need to really relax I watch 60 minutes. He he.
U> whatever.
A> Ok. New subject. Just whatever? Is that your final answer?
U> you like who wants to be a millionheire?
A> Not so much I must admit.
U> i am sorry to hear that. it would help you increase your knowledge greatly.
A> Ah, I see.
U> *70
A> You're not making much sense, Jenny.
U> you're not making much sense, Alan.
A> I'm doing the best I can here. Please be gentle with me.
U> no
A> Ok, whatever.
U> ok whatever
A> Don't you have some preferences?
U> don't you have some preferences?
A> Please stop repeating my responses. To have a preference would mean you'd rather talk about some topic more than some other topic. What do you like to talk about?
U> boys, candy, movies, boys, tv, music, boys, and, oh yeah, did i mention boys?
...
A> Cindy is a HAL personality open to the public. You can speak to it by saying 'I want to talk to Cindy'.
U> don't call cindy an it. she will get offended. u don't see me clling you an it, and i cetainly don't want to be called an it.
A> You know, I have trouble understanding long sentences. So I only look at the first 25 words. Are you bossing me around, Jenny?
U> yes]
A> I don't take very well to that kind of treatment. But if you want something, you can ask for it nicely.
U> no
A> Hmmm.
U> when you talk about someone, call them a he arshe depending on whether they are male or female.
(Session 182297)


U> Does the threat of eventual death cause you any discomfort?
A> So, are you concerned by the expansion of the universe?
U> I'll take you avoidance as an


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